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I've watched cartoons for basically
my whole childhood. I used to spend most of my free time as a child
watching them. Little did I know that they have taught me many very
important lessons in life and have helped me become a better person
with their morals and ideas. Cartoons are perhaps the most important
way of learning basic human morales in life.
You probably think I'm crazy
talking about stupid cartoons as if they are something great. I bet
some of you are thinking I need to grow up if I'm still watching cartoons.
Well those people can go to hell because I am not talking about watching
them now, I'm talking about the important lessons they taught for life.
Let me start by listing a few of them for you. These are some lessons
I learned from:
Doug
No matter what, bros before
hos - Let me ask you this question, in all of the episodes of Doug when
did you ever see Doug ditch Skeeter while trying to get some of Pattys
ass? That's right, he never did. Whether it was because he was gay or
because he was a good friend it just goes to show that no bitch is ever
supposed to get between two friends. Also, when did Skeeter ever try
to get a piece off of Patty behind Dougs back? Never? Yeah I thought
so.
It's ok to wear the same shit
over and over. - Many college students will understand this one. Have
you ever just not felt like washing any of your shit? Well Doug shows
that it's perfectly fine. There was only about 1 show where he wasn't
dressed the exact same way. Now those are going to be some smelly ass
clothes.
On a side note: Journal is
another name for a Diary. This math formula explains: Diary = Gay, Diary
= Journal, Journal = Gay.
The Flintstones
Chicks dig guys that beat the
shit out of stuff. - Did you ever see the really shitty episodes of
the Flintstones when the kids were all grown up and shit? Yeah well
they made Pebbles into one hot bitch and guess who she wanted to blow?
That's right, Bam Bam. Why did she want on Bam Bams nuts? The answer
is really simple, he beat the shit out of everything. What else did
he do really? Nothing that I can remember so his sex appeal must be
because he spent all of his time beating the shit out of things with
a club. I heard he even says "Bam Bam" when he cock slaps
Pebbles in the face.
Scooby Doo
Eating till you puke is perfectly
fine. - This is a show that taught children one great value in life:
you can eat as much shit as you want and you will still be a skinny
pasty white guy with a faggot beard. What the show forgot to tell people
is that all the food would really make a person fat. Is that a clue?
That's right, Americas fattness is all because of Scooby Doo.
Friends can be really shitty.
- The Scooby Doo and Friends episodes were so freaking gay. I wish the
Miner guy would have beat the entire Globetrotters team up side the
head with an axe. Basketball sucks anyway.
Tom and Jerry
Cats are really worthless.
- Tom is a cat and yet Jerry always finds a way to beat the shit out
of him. Honestly what kind of animal gets his ass beat by something
that's way smaller? I had a dog once that would eat field mice whole.
He didn't fuck around like Tom did and we sure as hell never had a mouse
problem with him around. Hell he was such an awesome dog that when he
did die he just layed out in the rain for hours because only pussies
run inside from rain. That must be why they call them pussy cats.
Mickey Mouse
Incest is ok. - Think about
this for a second. Mickey Mouse is a guy who likes a girl mouse named
Minnie Mouse. Wait a minute, both of their last names are Mouse. That
means they must be from the same family. So in the end that just leads
to a story that's only fit for Jerry Springer... or West Virginia, same
thing really.
Rockos Modern Life
Double meanings are alright
in cartoons. - The creators of Rocko have to be the greatest minds ever.
They managed to get away with so many double meanings in their cartoon.
I remember whenthey were playing a board game called Spank the Monkey.
This is a show for 10 year old kids and they are playing a game about
spanking the monkey. Maybe that's why I started spanking it at such
an early age.
Rugrats
Babies are annoying. - That
show sucked more balls than anything I can think of.
Looney Toons
Disabilities are ok - Think
about it, one of the most famous characters in the entire world is Porky
the Pig. Porky had one hell of a speech impedament. Could you imagine
Porky trying to sweet talk a chick with that? I guess that's why there
was never a woman character made for Porky because who the hell would
want to be with a retard that can't talk right? Either way Porky was
still really famous even though he was a fat pink pig that couldn't
talk right.
Now that I think about it,
Elmer Fudd had one hell of a problem talking too and he was still famous.
Still again though, no women characters made for either of the speech
troubled cartoon stars. I think I'm uncovering a pattern.
Animaniacs
Babies are annoying - Correct
me if I'm wrong, but wasn't this the show with that baby that always
asked why after every single thing a character said? Some people thought
it was cute and all, but we'd see how cute it would be after someone
smacked that bitch in the face with a shovel. Ask why now bitch! Ask
why now!
Family Guy
Just cause you're fat doesn't
mean you won't get a hot wife. - If Peter doesn't have the luckiest
Peter in all of cartoons I don't know who does. This just goes to show
that even the fat guys with crappy jobs can get the bitches. Am I calling
Lois hot? No you sicko, although I'm sure if she were a real person
there would be lots of people spanking it to her right now.
Simpsons
Getting paid to do nothing
is ok. - What exactly does Homer do? That's right, nothing at all. He
usually sleeps and shit at work and he still keeps his job. Now that's
the true American dream, make money by sitting on your ass thinking
about getting laid all day. What's better?
Beer is awesome. - What does
Homer love to do? Drink beer. What's good enough for Homer is good enough
for me.
Well that pretty much exhausts
my brain. I can't think of anymore things I've learned from cartoons,
but I'm sure there are some great lessons I've missed in this article.
Regardless, cartoons inspire us to become better people, to not be a
total dumbass, and to not be afraid of your huge speach problem. If
not for cartoons, we would all end up being like this guy:
Thank our lord for cartoons. |
