Thomas Crapper is a Fucking Magician.

One thing you have to understand about me, I'm an asshole. In fact, I'm not just an asshole, but I'm a huge asshole. When someone leaves something at work on a slow night it's almost sure to have a penis written on it. Yes, that was me that drew the penis on your Christmas card before you came in for your shift. It was me that drew the guy shitting in someones mouth on a random bag and slipped it in with the rest, and it was me that keeps pissing behind the dumpsters. However when I came across one of our fellow genius workers English papers I was blessed with a chance to write about something for my site. The following paper is real, someone really came up with this garbage. Anything that is highlighted in this color is my own personal comments about the paper.

The mysteries of Thomas Crapper and the flush toilet Should a title be all caps dumbass?

Many mysteries surround the name Thomas Crapper and the invention of the flush toilet. Noone is quite sure when Thomas Crapper was born , when he died or if he even existed. Most people are sure of , however, that Thomas Crapper did not invent the first flush toilet.about time she spaced the comma right There is evidence that Sir. John Harrington is the original inventor of the first flush toilet. I think I could piss on a piece of paper and have a better introduction than this. I got an idea, lets throw some random shit out and call it an introduction

Queen Elizabeth I used a portable toilet shaped like a box covered with red velvet and trimmed in lace with a lid and carrying handles unitl her godson built her something fabulous. Fabulous? What did he build her a vibrator or something. What's better than a red velvet toilet with handles?. In 1594, comma always after a date for an intro. I sleep 90% of English Comp. and I know that. Sir. John Harrington built the first flush toilet closet for his godmother, Queen Elizabeth I. I don't know about you, but it seems to me that no one shit in style like Queen Elizabeth This invention lead to quite a controversy over who officially invented the first flush toilet.

When millions in Europe died from cholera in 1832, people began to realize that poor sanitary conditions caused the disease to spread. That and the hookers never washed in between customers. Damn Europeans. Parisians rioted cause nothing is more frightning than a bunch of Parisians rioting. and Emperor Napoleon III had old sewers cleaned and new ones built. This sentence is less sensible than Michael J. Fox trying to play one of those games where you guide the metal loop through the metal maze and can't touch the inner metal. Sorry MJ. Fox, had to say it. Although I did love Back to the Future. The government in Britian passed laws requiring houses to have some kind of flushing toilet or privy. Ironic that the system, which was beneficial to minimizing the chlorea disease then may now be attributed to other diseases we struggle with in modern day like herpes. I could write a paragraph on how bad this one sucks. It starts with Ironic, Maybe it should say that "It's ironic". For example: It's ironic that this paper looks like it was written by a 10 year old because that's this girls IQ level. There you have it. This law was passed in 1832 by the British and Thomas Crapper was not born until 1836. Now hold on, when I read this part I found out that no one knew when he was born. Did you find out while writing it? Cause it is possible to go back and change stuff. No really it is.Not only that, but the whole paragraph doesn't even mention him until the final part. That's like me having an entire conversation about how Rosie O Donnel is a fat whore and than as a final statement I say "Rosie was fat and by the way, I shaved my pubes this morning.
" See, it's fucking stupid.

Thomas Crapper was in fact born in Waterside, Yorkshire England in September 1836. Considering that no one knows about Thomas Crapper, you seem to know a lot more than anyone else. His father was a steamboat captain. My father shit himself once, but that has nothing to do with the toilet. At age 14, Crapper was apprenticed to a master plumber in London. Donald Trump After his apprenticeship and three years as a journeyman plumber he founded his own company.

During his career, Crapper patented nine different plumbing innovations, one of which was the disconnecting trap. That and the tampon. This invention alone was a big step against preventing disease. Wait? If it's a step against preventing disease wouldn't that mean it caused more diseases to spread? Thanks alot Crapper you asshole. These inventions, however, did not make Crapper infamous. Afterall, why should someone that invents stuff that spreads disease be famous anyways?

The mysteries surrounding the actual inventor of the flushable toilet has been a controversial issue for many. Should be have instead of has. DUR!The most famous invention attributed to Thomas Crapper was not invented by him at all. The "Silent Valveless Water Waste Preventor" is a siphonic system that allows a toilet to flush effectively when the cistern is half full. There is evidence that a British Gentleman named Albert Giblin invented this system. Here's a plan, throw a bunch of words and don't explain them. Nice plan.

In 1819 a British patent for the "Silent Valveless Water Waste Preventor" was issued to Albert Giblin. Mr. Giblin was an employee of Thomas Crapper. (Holy shit. Thomas Crapper is a magic man. He has employees years before he was even born. Lets see Bill Gates manage to pull that shit. "It's ironic that I say shit when writing about toilets." It is believed that the confusion of Thomas Crapper being the sole inventor of the "Silent Valveless Water Waste System" is attributed to Mr. Giblins' employment with Crapper. Some theorize that Thomas Crapper bought the patent from Albert Giblin and this is why people are confused about the original inventor. That and because calling it the Giblin would sound gay. Many blame the confusion on a book titled Flushed with Pride: The Story of Thomas Crapper written by Wallace Reyburn in 1969. Forgive the guy, in 1969 everyone was getting stoned. No one checks facts stoned.

Reyburn's "biography" of crapper has often been dismissed as a fabrication of the truth. In other words he's full of shit. Reyburn portrayed Thomas Crapper as the inventor of the flush toilet, which most believe is not true. Not counting the people that don't give a shit. "Ironic that I talk about shit while writing a paper about a toilet." Reyburn also describes Crapper as a master plumber appointed to the royals by Queen Victoria. His book also mislead some into believing that Thomas Crapper never existed.Great plan, convince us he doesn't exist by talking about him in a book. Many frown upon Reyburn's "biography" of Thomas Crapper It sucked more dick than this paper. Some confusion about the true inventor of the flush toilet has been attributed to World War One Soldiers. Thanks for the random ass fact.

During World War One I instead of One please Soldiers got their first look at the classy English water closets. They had never shit better in their lives. Not only that, but this sentence sucks. The problem was that the English called water closets by their brand name the Oprah (just kidding) the crapper. Much like they call a vaccum cleaner by it's brand name such as a Hoover. Did anyone see the train wreck in there? If you didn't stop reading now. It is only speculatory that the association between the word crap and Thomas Crapper was a misinterpretation by the WWI doughboys. When the soldiers returned home word spread fast about the fancy contraption that the English called the Crapper.

Controvery also surrounds the explanation as to why the English called the flush toilet a crapper. Some believe that the reason is simple, Thomas Crapper invented the flush toilet, others have another explanation. It just sounds cool. The thirteenth century Anglo saxon word "Crapper" means chaffe or any other waste material. Those who believe that word crap was derived upon the Anglo Savon word also have doubt that Thomas Crapper ever existed. Someone told me that Anglo Saxon wasn't a language back than, but after furture review it's good. The language was around in the 13th century. It was Old English.

Many have made it their live's work to prove that Thomas Crapper indeed did exist. These people are all virgins. Among those were Dr. Andy Gibbons, a historian of the International Thomas Crapper Society. Does that mean he's a shit doctor? Mr. Gibbons managed to find and provide proof that Thomas Crapper was a real person. "Chases's Annual Events" the authorative book for listing special days and dates origionally Not a typo on my part recorded Thomas Crappers date of death as January 17, 1910. even though no one knows according to the first paragraph. After 10 years of research Dr. andy Gibbons Again, not a typo by me was able to find pictures of Thomas Crappers tombstone dating his death as January 27, 1910. He also obtained notes from Thomas Crappers living decendent's and an official death certificate. Thomas Crapper could not have passed his plumbing business along to his acquaintances if he in fact was a fictional person. You know, the business he started before he was born.

Thomas Crapper operated two of the three Crapper plumbing shops in his lifetime, but left the business three years befrore the final and most famous facility on Kings Road in London. Before it what retard? That makes sense. When Crapper retired from active business in 1904, he sold his shop to two partners who, with help from others, operated the company under the Crapper name until its closing in 1966.

Several of London's current plumbing companies trace their land roots to Thomas Crapper. One, Mr. Geoffrey Pidgeon of Original Bathrooms, continues the trade of his great uncle and granddather, both of whom apprenticed under Thomas Crapper. What's with these peoples names? Pidgeon, how nice

Evidence provides proof of Thomas Crappers' existence. He was a long time plumber with nine patents belonging to his name. He was not, however, the original inventor of the infamous flush toilet. In fact, Sir. John Harrington invented the first flush toilet for his godmother Queen Elizabeth 1. That's probably why we call it the John moron The word crap still remains a mystery. So does this sentence. Crap will always be associated with the toilet. And this paper. Whether it derived from the Anglo Saxon definition or from possible misinterpretations from the World War One Soldiers may always be a mystery. Just like how this paper became so "Crappy", get it? If we follow the facts, research and evidence it appears that Thomas Crapper did indeed own a plumbing company with nine patents connected to his name. It seems perhaps, that Thomas Crapper unknowingly took claim on an invention that he did not take part in. The business he was in and the name he owned is nothing more than a coincidence.

 

 

Final review: Thomas Crapper is amazing. He managed to run a business and have employees before he was born, he was also so mysterious as to hide all of his life from us. It's alright though because I'm going to call up my store owner tomorrow morning and ask her. She's old enough to be around in that time period. I think she even can speak Anglo Saxon. Anyway, this paper sucks dick. I'd rather sit through an entire Clay Aiken concert than be subject to reading this over again.

Yeah, I'm an asshole. Oh well, may as well have fun on the trip to hell.

© 2006 by The Epic