I'm Back Bitches!

Ok, It's been about eight months since I've managed to get the time of day to write some bullshit for my web site. Why would it take me so freaking long to write up my newest article. Well because I am so concerned about my many fans... joke. I decided to put to rest a few of the theories that may have been brought up around the net.

Theory 1: "I heard the Epic was eaten by Rosie O' Donnell."

Many have said that my years of poking fun at Rosie O' Donnell like the Pillsbury Dough Lesbian she is got me into trouble. While this theory is somewhat possible because she literally could eat me without too much effort, I would never go near her because:

1. She's fat.
2. She's a lesbian
3. She's a fat lesbian
4. She always eats all of the fucking twinkiees.

Theory 2: "Did you know that the Epic stopped writing articles to start on his new book?"

I barely have the patience to write one article over an eight month span. There is no way in hell I would write a book. The only book I would ever write is the one about how shit McDonalds is so they would shut us down and I could get money for unemployment.

 

Theory 3: "Oh yeah, they shut his site down a couple months ago cause it sucks."

While the sucking part is totally debatable, it was never shut down due to that. In fact I think the site only went down for a day when I switched over hosts.

Theory 4: "He ran out of stuff before he even left."

Come on guys, I have more shit to bitch about than the ladies from the View. It's as if I never run out of things that piss me off. Like the other day, some asshole was complaining about how long his food was taking. I went back to the people making the food, beat their ass for getting me bitched at, made the shit, threw it at him, and was like fuck you dude.... Ok, that's untrue.

Theory 5: "I think the Epic is busy with his new layout"

Holy shit just take a look around. This piece of shit took less time than you did the first time you had sex. I practically had the thing done within the first ten minutes. After that I guess you could just say I was a lazy bastard that didn't take the time to finish the site. Well, that and the fact that my old host took long to hand over the domain. The bastards.

Theory 6: "He fucked up the domain transfer and it took longer than normal."

Why yes, yes I did.

Theory 7: "It's so horrible, he knocked up his girlfriend and doesn't have time because he's knee deep in shit!"

Ok, I'm not stupid like those welfare assholes who can't use protection. I know that when I'm going to work with my enormous dong, I have to get the bitch covered up. This one time I donated sperm and the fucking lady that touched the cup got pregnant to boot. Believe me, I take caution with that shit.

 

Finally, the real reason I have been gone so long from the internet world... are you ready for the truth? Here it is from the man himself...

 

I'm a lazy son of a bitch that can't manage to keep up with his little piece of shit website. I can't manage that and yet I get to manage a bunch of little teenage bastards who don't know how to do simple tasks like put a fucking piece of cheese on a cheeseburger. Not only that, but the shit I did write for the big unveiling was erased by mistake and it probably wasn't funny anyway. There you go, the real truth behind why I was gone. It's great be back, now it's time to rock faces yet again.

 

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