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During one of the eight months
I have been MIA, I became a manager of the hell hole I call McDonalds.
Now I have to read up on some of the important (Yeah Right) information
about the store. One of the things I read was telling us about when
the McDonaldLand characters were invented. I thought to myself, "Gee
there hasn't been a new character since 1986. It's time to replace these
outdated and shit characters." So here's a list of replacements
I'll start with the most recent
additions...
Fry Guys
Since the fry guys are nothing more than queer ass pom poms with legs,
I decided to replace them with... Harry the Maintenance Man. This loveable
character would spew complete shit out of his mouth at all times. His
nasty odor would be enough to force all of the kids towards some more
loveable characters.
Birdy
Since birdy is a big dumb bitch, I'll replace her with the type of
big dumb bitches I am used to. I want to name her Teenie Weenie the
dumb ass 15 year old who can't do shit! Teenie would always find a way
to fuck things up and get on peoples nerves. "Hmm... should I push
the button that say chicken nuggets since thats what I need? No, I am
just going to hit cheeseburger instead." Teenie would easily have
customers wanting to choke the fuck out of her because she is a fucking
moron.
Grimace
Since Grimace is a big piece of shit that stands there like a dumbass.
I am going to call him Lonnie the Overnight guy. Yep, it takes him two
hours to make a sandwich and special orders? Yeah that's pushing it
buddy. Basically Grimace and Lonnie would be about the same just with
a different name...hmmm this reminds me of someone.
The Hotcake
Bandit
The hotcake bandit steals hotcakes instead of hamburgers in order to
promote the lovely fresh hotcakes. They are straight from the microwave
and come from the packing company, are shipped to the store, frozen,
thawed, and than reheated for all that fresh hotcake taste. The Hotcake
Bandit is so fun because stealing is so much fun.
and finally....
Ronald McDonald
The truth is that Ronald doesn't need a replacement. He is exactly
the type of role model to promote the business. A clown who ass rapes
children into eating that shitty food that has been through so many
nasty food processing plants that it hardly registers as food anymore.
But hey, at least he can make you smile right? Until you're a 40 year
old 300 lb piece of shit named Roy that can't eat less than 6 doubles
at a time.
Ok, I better stop before someone sees this and I get fired from work.
That or at least sent to some kind of counseling.
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